Tips for negotiating with a liar

Tips for negotiating with a liar I told this guy, Brendan, that I would write about his baby bottles on my blog. Well, first I told him he had to pay me. Then he sent the bottles  to me, and I liked them, so writing about them on the blog didnt seem like it would be that difficult. Also, Brendan has been reading my blog for a long time.  It felt good to tell him yes. I told him that  six months ago. During the past six months, I have told him probably fifteen times that Ill post about his bottles the next day. I had this idea that Id send the bottles  to my friend Caitlin to try. She has a newborn. Except that she is having a breakdown. Not a total breakdown, but the kind of  breakdown that every mom with a toddler and a new baby has when she realizes that two kids is not like 1 + 1 its more like 1 + 10. It took  me a while to realize  that I would  be testing these bottles myself. Most of us lie at some point during negotiations. Did you know that? It made me feel better to know that. Sometimes Id wonder: Did Brendan  go to my blog and look for the post? Or did he know I was probably not going to follow through?  Sometimes Id feel sorry for Brendan that he had to deal with me. Other times, Id think maybe he reads articles on how to negotiate with a liar, because he followed all the rules with me. Like, you are supposed to keep being nice. Which he always was. When Id write: Just one more day. Hed write back: Great! At one point he asked me if I wanted to give him a refund. And of course I said no. And then I said, Ill do it this week. Thats another thing to do with a dishonest negotiator give  alternatives. To be clear, I always thought Id do the post. Its not like I set out to be a horrible person. It just sort of happened that way. During World War II the  CIA published  a Simple Sabotage Field Manual. And it turns out Im a natural saboteur. Like, I was really slow  responding to emails, which, in World War II terms is at the telephone switchboard, delay putting calls through. I  think the manual was  written just to make me feel like Im CIA material: Work slowly. Think of ways to increase the number of movements needed to do your job: use a light hammer instead of a heavy one; try to make a small wrench do instead of a big one. One time Brendan  sent an email to me that said his co-workers think he was stupid to pay me ahead of time. They think Ill never post. That really killed me. He was giving me a vote of confidence even after his co-workers ridiculed him.  This is a great tactic to use with people who lie in negotiations:  Reveal a little about yourself to establish rapport. I felt like he was my friend. He probably doesnt think we are friends, because friends dont make friends wait ten months for blog posts. But the New York Times says  that only about half of our perceived friendships are mutual, so I guess this means we really are friends. That piece in the New York Times talks about how friendships are layered. And each layer is a different type of friendship. So probably Brendan and I have the sort of friendship that happens between a mercenary and someone who wants to save the world. Brendan wants to save the world with his company, mimijumi. I can tell by the bottles. They are meant to feel like the breast so that mothers can go back and forth between breast and bottle without making a breast feeding fiasco. (Bottles are much easier for babies than breasts. They are the street-corner crack dealer in the breast milk neighborhood.) The hardest thing for me about lying to Brendan so many times is that it feels lonely. The more you lie the more disconnected  you feel. From yourself, or other people, or both. Its incremental. Small lies and small disconnects. But they add up to a picture of despair. If I had been given these bottles when I was breast feeding, I would have felt less lonely. Its very lonely to be a new mom. Its very lonely to be a feeding machine. And its scary to think you have to go months and months without a break. Brendan has had faith in me this whole time. Im not sure why, but its done for me what the bottles are meant to do for mothers: I felt like someone believed in me even when I didnt think I could do it. Thank you, Brendan.